


Alleyway Goblin and the Big-Tittied Astrofuck Try to Kill Each Other

by Norsehorseyeboi



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: F/F, F/M, Hopes Peak Academy au, Kokichi unironically says the word thot I don’t think I was mentally sane when this was written, M/M, Some of the dice members get abused but I don’t really describe it much, and miu’s aunt is a prostitute, its not detailed at all but its mentioned, slowburn, this is kind of random shit so there isn’t gonna be much of a serious plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-02 10:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19196941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Norsehorseyeboi/pseuds/Norsehorseyeboi
Summary: You expect me to summarize this? Even I don’t know what’s going on.





	1. “Serves You Right To Melt in this Downpour, You Peasant!”

It was a downpour to say the least.

Two minutes into the rain and Kokichi’s temporary apartment (a literal cardboard box he found in an alley of Fremont St.) was reduced to a brown mush. Luckily, he manage to squirm his way out of his temporary home before it fully collapsed into a pile of gross, polluted, city rainwater and the common smell of a sweaty teenager. Kokichi had a small mental funeral for the home that served him well for about three hours of “peaceful” sleep, but then stopped the funeral to criticize the mere box for not protecting him from the creepy raccoon that tried to attack him last night. (Like, seriously, he was pretty sure that thing had rabies! You weren’t a loyal protector at all! Serves you right to melt in this downpour you peasant!) 

Regardless, Kokichi turned around in the direction of the local laundromat and relished in the annoyed look on his classmates’ faces as they ran towards Hope’s Peak Academy. He was particularly interested in the way-too-buff-to-not-be-on-steroids Kaito Momota. Who was sprinting his way through the streets using his backpack to shield his uniform from the rain. Oh, if only he knew how comical his face looked right now! Kokichi briefly wished he had a phone, so he could take a picture and use it as blackmail.

Continuing, he walked at a normal pace, as if the rain wasn’t pelting his face and ruining his classic Supreme Leader getup. As he entered the familiar laundromat of Miu Iruma, (well rather, her aunt: Hana Iruma, technically ran the business). Inside the rundown building was a familiar scurry of little troublemakers Kokichi knew as family. He briefly let a genuine smile creep up on his face, before he smacked his mask back on hard at the sound of Miu’s voice. 

“Kokichi! Call your virgins off! Hana isn’t home yet and she’s gonna have three up my ass if this place gets trashed again!”

“Nothing wrong with shoving a full can of unbranded soda inside a washing machine.” Kokichi said back defensively, shrugging.

“Everything’s wrong with that!” His expression changed entirely as he shot a glare to quickly shut the tramp’s mouth. Her expression flashed from one of a grumpy neighbor to one of a defenseless five-year-old in the span of about four seconds.

“Please” she pleaded, which he responded with a classic gremlin grin and a broad shout to all the D.I.C.E. members within the establishment.

“Yo creeps! Don’t fuck the machines up too badly! I still gotta dry my uniform!” A collective: “ugh...fine” resounded from the group as Kokichi made his way to the least-disgusting machine and shoved his soaked uniform in. He watched it turn for a couple of seconds, before hearing a ruckus behind him and checking. Surely enough, there was Kiibo Iidabashi getting harassed by his lil’ minions.

“I’m not gonna rust in the rain!” He argues to their teasing, but then his expression took a 180’ as he started a prideful rant about how his “dad” made him of metals that weren’t prone to fast rusting. His subordinates continued to pester him regardless. It was then that Kokichi realized his littleshit-ness must be contagious because these kids were basically him but looking less like they were just dragged out of a dumpster.

It’s another thing that makes him want to smile, but he holds back the urge and distracts himself by watching Suzuki arrange her pennies on top of one of the washing machines. Yesterday was her birthday after all. Nice of her good-for-nothing parents to finally give her something useful. Like, jeez, she’s only ten. Not that Kokichi knows much about healthy families, but he’s pretty sure you shouldn’t force your kid to stay outside in the middle of the city with no form of protection.

In his hidden concern, he walks over, in a totally cool and definitely not caring or piteous manner of course. 

“How much did they give you?”

“Ten dollars. They said it was cuz’ I’m ten years old.”

“Jeez, so only a dollar per year, huh?” Kokichi thought to himself. He wasn’t sure why he pitied her. After all, he left the orphanage when he was her age, and he never got paid. Ten dollars is a fair amount, right?

His subordinates deserve better than that though.

“Hmm, that’s good” he replied “now we have more money to buy supplies for pranking that guy at the mail office!” 

“Haha! Yeah!” She said, before subsequently mimicking the mailman as ten goons jumped up from a cart of envelopes.

He heard the dryer beep and ran off. Quickly took off his costume and put on his uniform. Of course, he kept the scarf on though, how could he part with such a stylish object? (Despite how teared it was.) 

“Miu, you skipping today?” He asks.

“Nah, I gotta get my grade up before Mr. BlastInTheAss gets me held back. I’mma just be late today.”

He turned his head to ask the ultimate robot. “Keeboy?”

“Why do you think I’m here, you robophobic dummy? I need Miu to help me iron my uniform. Everyone in homeroom is going to make fun of me if I come in drenched.”

“We’d make fun of you regardless of how wet you are.” Kokichi said walking off towards the academy. In the distance he heard Miu giggling about his use of the word wet. 

“Thot” he whispered under his breath, as he scuttled his way across the streets and into the safety that was the roof of his school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never have I ever written the word thot unironically. Today is a special day, comrades.


	2. “I’m Not Joining Your E-Boy Clan, Kokichi!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really shouldn’t be posting fics that I wrote while being drunk af. Hopefully the next few chapters will be better and I’ll be sober.

Kaito jumped into the building with a flourish, his brow dripping with either sweat or rain but probably both. However, he was luckier than most, as he noticed that his backpack was releasing a fullass stream of water into the hallway. He tried to ring it out but to his chagrin all of his notes inside were soaked. 

“There goes my A in civics...” He says under his breath, before he feels a tense presence behind him. He can’t help but feel like he’s in a horror movie as he slowly turns around, breath hitched. Only to find “harmless” Harumaki waiting for him to start walking to homeroom. He decided she does have some sort of intimidating glare when you look long enough though.

Her typical stoic look stayed on her face for a few seconds before a small smirk graced her face.

“Looks like you’re not getting high honor roll after all, huh?” She asked smugly.

“I still will! I’m just gonna have to do extra credit...More than I already do... extra extra credit, I guess.” He said in a defeated chuckle. She let the topic drop and started her walk towards class, he, of course, followed. 

It was days like these that made him feel less like a hero and more like a normal dude. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. If anything, it’s wonderful. Harumaki used to be incredibly secluded and quiet, at least now she can make fun of him without tugging on her pigtails.

The two stopped along the way when they reached Shuuichi Saihara’s locker. As he was being pestered by the most villainous fifteen-year-old he’d ever met: Kokichi Ouma. 

“I’m not joining your clan of e-boys, Kokichi!” 

“Oh yes you are! You’ve already joined, remember?” 

“I don’t recall that ever happening...”

“Hmm...well, marijuana is a memory loss drug...” 

“W-what?” 

“Ugh, Ouma...” Maki mumbled between their banter, “Let’s just leave for now and meet up with him later.” She told Kaito, he wasn’t sure if he agreed though.

A true hero wouldn’t run away from his sidekick just because a villain was nearby. That’s too cowardly for a man who dreams of reaching the stars! Or at least, that’s what he decided to believe.

“Shuuichi!” His voice boasted through the turmoil. “How’d you do through the rain this mornin’?” 

“Hopefully you didn’t ruin your entire grade in an important class...” Kaito thought to himself, remembering the grey mush that used to be his notes.

“Uh-hey Kaito! Yeah I got through it fine, I had an umbrella.”

Oh yeah, Kaito had forgotten, Shuuichi actually has common sense, (unlike the rest of us). He agreed that his previous thought was entirely correct when the king of stupid ideas popped up beneath him.

“Heeeeeey Kaitoooooo! You wanna be in my e-boy clan! We temporarily except e-girls too! But they can only join if they got jugs, therefore you have to come!”

“What, wait what do you even mean?”

“Boo, Kaito’s so dumb he can’t even tell I’m calling him a thick e-girl...”

“I’m a man, dumbass.”

“No, I’m pretty sure Kai-chan is just some e-girl in disguise. Like, I’ve never seen you work out before, and yet you got giant melons! Therefore you must be of the female gender.” Kokichi concluded, nodding in approval of his own reasoning. He finally looked up, smirking, to see Kaito’s reaction. Of course, it was the same one he always has.

“Better run, fuckface...” he mumbled under his breath. To which Kokichi stayed perfectly still. And only decided to run when Kaito lurched towards him.

As they sprinted down the hallway, with the occasional protest of a nearby teacher, Kokichi decided he definitely preferred being chased by Kaito more than Maki. She had the look of a killer in her eyes, and would probably push him off the roof if she got the chance. But Kaito? The guy claims to be a hero, right? All he can do is punch him, and usually not even that.

During Kokichi’s thinking he must’ve let his guard down, because in an act of revenge for calling his beautiful bod’ one of an e-girl’s Kaito launched the entirety of himself at the lil’ squirt. If he could simply get him to stop moving he could get the chance to knock some sense into him, right? 

Wrong, that’s probably the dumbest thing Kaito’s done this week. Which is what he learned as he fell on top of Kokichi and heard a distinct crack underneath him. He recoiled and looked down.

“...Well, ain’t this a cliche’...” Kokichi murmured, all Kaito could do was look down in shock. Despite his stupid rat grin being as stupid and ratlike as before, it was pretty obvious Kaito just broke one of his ribs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, how romantic, you just broke his fucking ribs you dumbass. 
> 
> Also yeah, Kaito’s really bland in the early chapters, cuz—bad writing.


	3. “I always figured you were a bottom!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the bright side, I did write this one sober. So,,,progress I guess.

To say the least: it hurt like a bitch.

Still though, what kind of villain taps out in the middle of a battle of wits? (Or in this case, just a regular physical battle.) He would do better with the first option though. Actually...yes! He should just do that! They are in close proximity to each other, which means Kaito could hear every word the little gremlin blabbered off. Exactly, exactly, just gotta make a plan and wing it!

 _“Take my gay improv you excessively-heavy-and-causing-me-to-bleed-internally-bastard!”_ Kokichi thought to himself before plan “Getting this Fucker Off of Me and Escaping” was put into action.

**Step One: Acknowledge the Position.**

“Geez Kaito, I can’t believe it! I always figured you were a bottom!” He said in a cheerful manner, but loud enough to draw attention to some close by.

“Wha-the fuck does that mean?” He asked. Oh yeah, he forgot, Kaito’s an idiot. And not just that, he’s the most hetero idiot that ever lived. Shit, maybe this plan was a total bad idea...He was planning to get off of Kokichi in the first place, right? But now he’s too busy deciphering his statement to get the fuck off. No, that might be wrong...After all he acted like he wanted to beat Kokichi senseless as he chased him down the corridors. So he might’ve received some extra pain if he didn’t distract him. Ugh, it doesn’t matter now, the decision has already been made..! Just come on, step two, step two step two—

**Step Two: Do something super fucking stupid because your body’s too weak to handle the sheer weight of this jugular elephant.**

Wait, what?

Out of nowhere from the back of Kokichi’s throat a random, involuntary whine snuck out and filled the quietness. He tried to fling his bangs over his face as he simply had to shut his eyes from the embarrassment and the pain. What’s wrong with him? Holding out pain is easy, though he hasn’t actually ever broken a bone before, turns out it’s a teensy bit worse than he’d expected.

He looked up at Kaito, certainly not with tears in his eyes. He may have been in pain but that doesn’t mean he’s a total pussy! He knows how to make a good mask, and he certainly knows how to wear one. However, it may have slipped a bit more than he wanted to, because when he looked up Kaito was staring down in confusion. Wide eyed and mouth agape, jeez, was it really _that_ shocking? He just made a simple involuntary noise, it’s not like he was crying or anything.

“Uh—man, are you okay?” Kaito said in genuine concern. Oh come on, don’t pity him! This was entirely what his plan was supposed to prevent. You shouldn’t have to stop fighting and ask the villain if he’s alright!

**Uhm-uh—Step Three: Get him embarrassed enough to make him hop off.**

“I’m...fine. The real question is: Are _you_ fine? Because you seem to be quite interested in this position...I always wondered if Kaito was a closet case...”

“What? Hey, stop joking dude, why’re you...? Oh.”

He rolled off of him but still continued to stare, as if he actually cared! Stop feigning affection, he clearly want to punch him! Right? He couldn’t help but give out a breath of relief from not having a dude practically double his size on top of his injury. Kaito looked up, the closest person nearby was Himiko Yumeno.

“Hey, can you ask the nurse if she can come down here?”

“Nyeh...Kokichi’s hurt? Well then, I’ll just perform some healing magic and he’ll be good as new—“

“Uh, how about just getting the nurse?”

“Hmp! Fine, I’m running low on mana anyway!” She said as she began running down the stairs to the nurse’s office.

“Hey,” Kaito said, voice lower than before. There he goes again feeling pity, it was gross and weird. Just...stop. “Are you doing alri—“ His voice cut off as Kokichi managed to swing his body in a way that allowed him to stand up and simultaneously not cry out in pain.

“Woah, hey, the nurse is on her way, we need to wait here for her and Himiko.” He said, keeping his voice low yet still demanding.

“Nah,” Kokichi replied, as Kaito finally saw his face. A face in pain, but still managing to fill itself with false malice. “I’m good.” He began to sprint before Kaito could jump up and grab him.

“Dude, come on! Now’s not the time to act like a weirdo!” Kokichi didn’t answer, he merely continued to run, run down the stairs to the front door, until he bumped into Mikan Tsumiki and passed out completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah it’s kinda dumb that he got knocked out by a mere bump, but if he was awake he’d never cooperate and go back home to DICE with a broken rib. So yeah, let’s just pretend Mikan’s body is made of steel for now cuz yay plotholes!


End file.
